Awakening Together

 

03.04.2022 AWAKENING TOGETHER At first glance, Buddhism may seem discouraging of romantic love. The Buddha teaches that everything that is dear to us causes us suffering. Relationships, one of our greatest sources of love and attachment, are clearly no exception to this. To be fair, Buddhism, particularly in Asia, has a strong monastic tradition, which dates all the way back to its founding. The story of the historical Buddha himself is one in which he leaves his wife and newborn child and renounces his position of privilege to seek enlightenment on his own. He initially does so with a group of ascetics, then eventually leaves them, too, to practice alone. On his own, he meditates under a bodhi tree until he realizes supreme enlightenment. This is a model of spiritual awakening that is based on solitary contemplation. It is, in a way, deeply individualistic. Wisdom and liberation are attained by meditative insight and letting go, by dropping all attachments and working on one’s mind. Indeed, Buddhist meditation, as it’s generally taught, is all about personal realization. We calm the senses, we still the mind, and we look within. It’s not so much about realizing enlightenment through our relationships with others. However, the truths that the Buddha realized under the bodhi tree are not at all individualistic. They are about seeing through the delusion of the self. The Buddha’s insights into the nature of reality are that we are interconnected and interdependent; that our selves, which we think are stable and permanent, are in fact impermanent and illusory; that happiness and freedom come from non-attachment and acceptance of these truths. Might we learn from the Buddha’s teachings, attained through his solitary endeavor, to live in our relationships more wisely? Might our relationships, in fact, be our bodhi trees – our sites of spiritual growth and our path to a deeper humanity? Here are three articles from Buddhist teachers, monastic and lay, on living, loving, and awakening together. —Nancy Chu, Associate Editor, Lion’s Roar

After the Honeymoon Falling in love is easy, but staying in love takes work. Thich Nhat Hanh offers advice for cultivating a relationship that’s loving and strong. We’re all searching for a place where we feel safe and comfortable, a home where we can be truly ourselves. As we become more skilled in mindfulness and lay down the roots of fidelity, we can truly relax with our partner. All the restlessness and searching inside dissipates when we find our true home. Our true home is inside. When we look deeply and honestly at our own suffering, energies, and views, we find a peace that comes from being comfortable in our own bodies. But our true home is not only inside us. Once we have become comfortable in ourselves, then we can begin listening deeply to the suffering of our loved ones, and begin understanding their experiences and views. Then we can become a true home for each other.

Six Ways to Make It Work After the honeymoon, real life sets in — budgets to balance, toilet seats left up, and in-laws coming for dinner. Relationships aren’t easy, says Susan Piver, but if we practice the six paramitas, or transcendent perfections, we can discover how to live in love. Dharma practitioners are taught the critical importance of developing nonattachment (noticing without holding on as phenomena arise, abide, and dissolve), understanding the only route to happiness is to think of others before ourselves, and accepting the truth of impermanence (nothing will last). This is not only a perfect prescription for spiritual awakening, but also for making our romantic relationships work. When it comes to relationships, however, even the most basic dharma teachings are difficult to implement.

Authentic Love Sumi Loundon Kim weighs in on seeing and communicating clearly in love and marriage. There are zillions of relationship-advice books out there but many share a failing: their readers, desperate in their relationships, are still trying to control things. They’re using the book to “make things better,” when the key is in accepting ourselves and our partners for who we are. The arc of the spiritual path and the arc of the relationship path aren’t merely parallel; they are intimately bound together. As we practice our spiritual path more deeply, it inevitably changes the way we are in our relationships. Likewise, as we learn to ease up on our demands and needs from others, we learn that the spiritual path is not about fulfilling a need — a need to change what we don’t like about ourselves, for example — but about letting go of needs altogether.

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