Mindful Love

 

03.14.2025 Mindfulness in Love   The first time Adán and I talked about getting married, we were at a Szechwan restaurant waiting for our spicy eggplant and potatoes. We’d only been together for a handful of months and were too shy to use the “M” word. What we said was “I can imagine a future with you.”   One year and seven months after our first kiss, we tied the knot. We were wildly in love — you can see it in the wedding photos. But I was still nervous, struck by the enormity of our vows. I realized that I might be able to imagine a future, but I didn’t know the future. The only thing that we can ever be sure of is that, one way or another, things will change. Committing to be with someone is committing to be with them in the face of impermanence.   Adán and I are now celebrating our seventeenth anniversary. Over the years, we’ve weathered arguments and loss, and we no longer have that drunk-with-oxytocin look on our faces. I am grateful to Buddhist teachings and practices for helping me accept these not-so-fun changes. That acceptance has been key to creating the most important change of all — the love and trust that Adán and I share has become deeper, stronger, wider.   Buddhist teachings continue to help me in becoming a better, more caring and patient partner. What follows are three teachings that inspire me in this practice of love. I hope you find as much wisdom in them as I do. For further reading about fostering deeper connection in relationships, you might want to check out Right Here with You. Just released by Shambhala Publication and Lion’s Roar, it’s a collection of teachings by Tara Brach, David Richo, Joseph Goldstein, and many others. Until March 31, you can enter the code WITHYOU30 at checkout to receive a 30 percent discount when you purchase it through Shambhala Publications. (Note that it cannot be combined with other offers.) –Andrea Miller, editor, Lion’s Roar Magazine Six Ways to Make It Work Relationships aren’t easy, says Susan Piver, but if we practice the six paramitas, or transcendent perfections, we can discover how to live in love. Of course, relationships aren’t easy. Though we may be a genius at solving problems at work or with our friends, when problems arise in love, our elevated viewpoints evaporate and we resort to fancy, adult hissy fits. No one, it seems, is immune: not therapists, ministers, beauty queens, captains of industry, or our post-therapy selves. Forget about Smith & Wesson — relationships are the great equalizer. That said, we can work with relationships by keeping in mind the “container principle.” ADVERTISEMENT How to Have Mindful Sex Slowing your mind is not just great foreplay, says Cheryl Fraser, it also leads to a deeper connection with your partner. Mindful sex involves deliberately bringing focus and curiosity to your sensual life with your partner. Practicing mindfulness in bed can enhance your pleasure in many ways. When the mind is concentrated, the sensory experience of the object of mindfulness — be that the breath or the ripples preceding orgasm — feels more intense. Sex is simply better. Authentic Love   Sumi Loundon Kim weighs in on seeing and communicating clearly in love and marriage.   There are zillions of relationship-advice books out there but many share a failing: their readers, desperate in their relationships, are still trying to control things. They’re using the book to “make things better,” when the key is in accepting ourselves and our partners for who we are. The arc of the spiritual path and the arc of the relationship path aren’t merely parallel; they are intimately bound together. As we practice our spiritual path more deeply, it inevitably changes the way we are in our relationships. Likewise, as we learn to ease up on our demands and needs from others, we learn that the spiritual path is not about fulfilling a need—a need to change what we don’t like about ourselves, for example—but about letting go of needs altogether.